


Wrap Your Peter

by jessicamiriamdrew



Category: Amazing Spider-Man (2012), Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Bruce Banner is a jerk, Condoms, M/M, Sexual Humor, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-10
Updated: 2012-10-10
Packaged: 2017-11-16 01:25:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/533939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessicamiriamdrew/pseuds/jessicamiriamdrew
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bruce is a dick about Peter wanting his dick. Peter wishes he'd never even had the box of condoms in his bag.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wrap Your Peter

**Author's Note:**

  * For [readbetweenthelions](https://archiveofourown.org/users/readbetweenthelions/gifts).



> Lots of condom jokes ahoy! Lots of them. If this and sexual humor isn't your thing, TURN BACK NOW.
> 
> Everyone in this fic is of legal age of consent.
> 
> This fic was born when readbetweenthelions needed an idea for something left behind in someone's car that would need to be returned. I said condoms. Hence, this fic.
> 
> Extra thanks go to red_shiloh and lotus for helping me come up with some of the pranks.

Peter’s heart stops when he sees Bruce holding his messenger bag. “What are you-?” Bruce drops the bag like it’s suddenly turned into lava and backs away, right hand up in a conciliatory gesture.

“Sorry, I knocked by the chair and it fell off and I was just putting your stuff back in it.”

That’s when Peter sees the box of condoms that Bruce is holding. Trojan Ultra-thins. He remembers buying those a few months before when he’d deluded himself into thinking he might have a sex life sometime soon.

Peter laughs and walks over to Bruce, wanting to have his bag and the fucking condoms and leave. The laugh rings in his ears but he keeps it going as long as possible because he’s not sure what else he’s supposed to do.

“Yeah, I’ll, um, take those. Thanks,” he says, snatching the pathetic box of condoms from Bruce’s hand. He holds it carefully, imagining how he’s going to smash the box later. Maybe he’ll even light the condoms on fire.

“I didn’t know you had a girlfriend, Peter.” Bruce smiles at him, grins at him, and Peter feels a flush flare up across his face.

“I don’t,” he says haltingly. More embarrassing things have happened to Peter than this situation, he’s sure. He just can’t remember what any of those circumstances involved.

“A 12 pack? I never had you pegged for such an optimist. Is this for a date?” The look on Bruce’s face is lecherous and that absolutely should not turn on Peter the way that it does.

Peter’s arms fold across his chest immediately, defensively locking out the comment that hits the target concisely. “Are we—am I—done here? I’d like to go collapse into a puddle of shame elsewhere.”

The sound of Bruce’s laughter makes something coil in his stomach, caught between wanting to join in and needing to slink away.

“Go ahead, Peter.”

He can’t get the image of Bruce’s smirk out of his mind; like Bruce is laughing at him or that he thinks the idea of Peter getting laid is so ridiculous.

-

When Peter masturbates that night, it’s the image of Bruce in his bed holding a condom that makes him finally lose control.

It’s not that he wants Bruce, not exactly. (Okay, maybe he does, but so what?) But that encounter in the lab is the closest he’s gotten to anything sexual in ages.

Fine. He’s attracted to Bruce. Luckily, he can probably count on Bruce never bringing up the situation again. In a few days, he’ll be over the embarrassment and can get back to wistfully staring at Bruce’s ass in the lab.

He sighs and rolls over in his bed to grab a towel. It’s while he’s cleaning himself up that he sees the light on his cell phone blinking. When he unlocks his phone, there’s a message from Bruce waiting that says “Sorry about that full box of condoms.”

Peter drops his phone and groans into his pillow. So much for forgetting the entire incident.

-

The next day and his commute to work happen too soon for Peter. He’s been plagued by thoughts of condoms, the uses, varieties, the image of Bruce rolling one onto Peter’s cock with his teeth. On his walk to work, he counts no fewer than twelve items that make him think of having sex with Bruce. For the bonus round, he spots a Durex ad on the subway.

Peter raises an eyebrow at the box of tissues at his lab station but resolves not to say a single word about it. When he looks up from his lab notebook, though, he sees the look on Bruce’s face and rolls his eyes. “Thanks,” he says holding up the box in the air. “It’s funny. I got it. Masturbation joke.”

“You know,” Bruce says seriously, “I’m sure on your salary you should be able to buy some high quality lube.”

He throws the box at Bruce and the muffled “ow!” lets Peter get back to work feeling like he’s one upped Bruce.

-

Peter is a little surprised when Bruce orders them in sandwiches to work for lunch. It’s good food, though, and Bruce finally seems like he’s let go of the fucking condom thing.

“Banana,” Peter hears Bruce say somewhere in his food haze.

“What? Is there fruit, too?” Peter doesn’t see any fruit but he wouldn’t put Bruce past hiding some of the food away.

“Condoms. I like the banana flavored ones.” It’s said in such a deadpan voice that Peter almost writes it off with an “mmhmm” and nod.

“Come on, Bruce, can’t you drop it? I had condoms in my bag once.”

His next remark gets caught in his mouth as his brain catches up to what exactly Bruce has just said. Peter drops the sandwich he’s holding and chokes on air in his throat. The lascivious quality to Bruce’s face doesn’t make it any easier for Peter to avoid thinking about what kind of situation Bruce was in to figure that out. He’s pretty sure the image in his brain of Bruce with his lips wrapped around his cock would be enough to get him fired.

He kind of wants to throw the rest of his sandwich at Bruce’s face if only to cover up the ludicrously smug expression.

-

That’s how things continue. Peter does something, Bruce makes some sort of sexually laden comment or joke that makes Peter want to disappear. He even considers wearing his stealth suit to work but he knows the condom based jokes will just keep coming from Bruce. Even if Bruce has to shout them since he doesn’t know Peter’s exact location.

Peter didn’t even know there were so many ways to play pranks with a condom. He suspects Bruce’s file may be missing a pertinent piece of information, like which fraternity Bruce had been in to learn all of these tricks.

-

Peter’s laptop dings with an email and he opens it out of habit, eyes glazing over as he reads. His mind snaps back into focus when he reads the word condom.

“Tony, Bruce, Peter:

I don’t give a shit about who initiated the prank war but if there are more helium filled condoms in my rafters, I’ll come after all three of you.

In case it’s unclear, you won’t need the condoms if I have to do that.

CB”

“I don’t want to die by arrow and sexual frustration!” Peter shouts at his laptop in annoyance.

-

It’s been a great day for Peter. Bruce had coffee waiting for him when he showed up, brewed just how he likes it. His research is at a point where he’s finally generating publishable data. All he has to do is see how these samples react to different stains. The toluidine blue is finally on the slide and Peter carefully places it on the microscope stage.

It’s only because he leans back to get a new box of slides that he sees the condom projectile. It’s filled with water, he realizes dumbly as it hits him in the face and pops, drenching his face and top.

Peter can’t see where Bruce has himself hidden but the laughter rings throughout the lab.

The smell of latex and strawberry doesn’t entirely wash off of his face until two days later.

-

The day he gets a text from Tony offering to buy him condoms is the first time he calls in sick to Stark Industries. Peter knows he shouldn’t give into this. If he can’t deal with needling from Tony, how is he going to do this job?

Today, though, he just wants to stay in bed and complain mentally about how he hasn’t even gotten laid any time recently.

He taps out a text to Bruce saying he’s sick and then settles in bed with a stack of scientific article he’s been meaning to read. Peter dozes off somewhere around “Cosmic-ray-induced ionization.”

He wakes up with a start to a knock on his front door. He shakes his head, trying to remove the remnants of a dream involving Tony and singing boxes of condoms, and heads for the door. He rubs his eyes to make sure that he’s actually seeing Bruce standing in front of his door.

“Come on in.” Peter closes the door after Bruce and stands against it, arms crossed against his chest. “I’m fresh out of condoms, in case you’re wondering.”

To his surprise, Bruce looks chagrined. “That whole thing may have gotten a bit out of hand.”

“You filled up a condom with water and threw it at me.” Peter says flatly.

“Yeah. I’m sorry about that. Anyway, I brought you some soup and crackers since you’re sick but I’ve got to get back to the tower now.” 

Bruce shoves a plastic bag at him and Peter moves out from the door, smiling at Bruce as he leaves. 

Peter’s pretty sure his boss wouldn’t bring him soup unless he had a more than casual interest in him. He’s positive.

It’s only when he takes the bag to the kitchen that he notices the three-pack of condoms tucked at the bottom.

-

After that incident, though, things calm down. Months pass without Bruce throwing projectile condoms or sneaking them somewhere or loudly asking questions about his sex life. All things taken into consideration, Peter feels pretty damn good about his plan to ask Bruce out for dinner. It’s Valentine’s day, what can go wrong?

His resolve to do so is only strengthened when he sees a card with Bruce’s handwriting on it sitting on his desk. Peter sees the stick hanging out of the card. “Candy, how sweet,” he yells to Bruce, still looking at the front of the card which has cutesy animals on it.

What he assumed was a sucker actually turns out to be a condom on a stick. “Cherry flavored,” Bruce says from across the room in response to Peter’s splutter.

-

Peter isn’t ashamed about staying late at work just so he can corner Bruce in his apartment. He should feel bad, maybe, but he doesn’t.

He knocks on the door and is a little surprised when Bruce opens it quickly.

“Peter? What is it?” Bruce’s brow furrows like he isn’t sure Peter is really there in the hallway.

“Can I come in?” Peter doesn’t budge from his spot and stares at Bruce.

“Yeah, sure,” Bruce says as he steps outside to let Peter in. Peter closes the door and takes a deep breath.

“I thought we were done with the condom jokes.”

Bruce starts to laugh and can’t or won’t stop. Peter is discomfited by how much he enjoys that sound even when Bruce is laughing at him.

Peter grabs Bruce’s hand and leans forward to kiss him, catching the laughter still on Bruce’s lips. All the noise he gets is an mmph before Bruce is wrapping his arms around Peter and locking him in place. It’s desperate and messy and it’s so great knowing that Bruce wants him just as much. Maybe all the condoms had been Bruce’s ridiculous way of flirting.

“I’m surprised it took you this long to get fed up.” Bruce is pulling off Peter’s shirt as he says it and Peter snorts.

“I thought you’d quit until today,” he admits as he runs a hand across Bruce’s stomach, pushing Bruce’s shirt off of him.

“How could I resist on Valentine’s day?”

It’s the hand on Peter’s belt that makes Peter suspect they might be hitting all the bases in one night. This is, unsurprisingly, totally okay with him.

They lose the rest of their clothes on their way to Bruce’s bedroom, which is one part cliché and one part perfection.

Peter is squirming, desperate, as Bruce kisses and licks and touches down his body.

Bruce’s mouth is hovering right over Peter’s cock, breath hot and it’s taking all of Peter’s self-control not to jerk his hips up.

But then Bruce is pulling away and asking him something. “Do you have any of those condoms?” 

Peter blinks, takes in two deep breaths. “Are you fucking kidding me?” He says it as politely as he can manage considering that they are one condom away from having sex.

Bruce leans over him, pressing their bodies flush, and opens up a drawer. He tosses a full box of condoms on Peter’s chest.

“Now who, exactly, is the optimist here?”

Peter hears Bruce mumble something like shut up before Bruce is back on top of him, opening the box with clumsy fingers.

“It’s not optimism if you intend to use them all.”

Can’t argue with that, Peter decides as Bruce rips open a condom packet.


End file.
